Ask Sarita

Ask Sarita: Anger

Sarita loves to answer your questions, so if there’s something you’d like her advice on, please email her and let her know if you are happy for it to be published (you can remain anonymous). Here she answers a question on: anger


I’ve always found it difficult to express the truth of my anger and what lies beneath it in the form of grief and pain. I grew up with a very well defined role of having to be very sweet, gentle, accepting and kind when things that were very cruel, hurtful and abusive were happening to me and around me.
This has led to a very disowned rage that gets triggered. Basically, if I feel really threatened, frightened or attacked I become very emotionally charged with anger and pain. Two things happen out of this space, either I try to express why I’m angry and it’s so highly charged, so full of blame and so uncontrollable the other person feels blamed and hurt by the extent of the anger and blame.
They react to this and I never get my resolution. I end up being blamed because of my over reaction and the real reason (often a reasonable reason for being angry) get totally lost and sidelined. So I end up collapsed, defeated, humiliated, and I apologize………leaving me with feelings of resentment.
The other way it manifests is I radiate the anger/ blame and I don’t talk about it. I think I am dealing with it and processing it, but I’m still lost in it and it can take me days before the red mist has fully cleared. I then open up, feel ok and I forgive the other for what they have done to hurt me…however when I approach them they feel angry and hurt…. but I don’t understand why they are then rejecting me, which again leads to the feeling of hurt and blame.
I know I need to love myself more in this place and I have been through a deeply painful process of self acceptance and forgiveness. However, I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with simply because it’s been triggered more and more now. I really want to look at it and work with it.
With Love,
Amala Bodhi

Hello Amala,
Your question is very clear. Such clarity about your issue means you are really ready to move through it and on to a new way of being.
Anger is simply spontaneity which didn’t find expression and this repressed spontaneous energy is then bottled up and in the bottled up state it becomes resentment and then anger. If you can release the anger in a safe way, i.e. 10 days pillow beating meditation, (see Tantric Love for instructions in this.) and after that, you can pay careful attention to what your natural spontaneous energy would like to do as expression moment to moment, you will be able to move through and eventually release the anger addiction.
In relationship, women become very angry and bitchy if they are not satisfied sexually. If you are bitchy, pay very careful attention to how you are behaving in sex. Are you really going for what you need? Are you blaming the man for something you are not daring to give to yourself? Are you naked and open about what your real needs are? Expose yourself without shame, all the way to the core of the vulnerable woman who you are.
Blame of the partner, friend, family member or co-worker is always a projection. Therefore, the projection exercise is very valuable. You could learn this with Islam and then subsequently you can do it on your own whenever you feel you are saying the word ‘you’ with a blaming attitude. Alternatively, you may consider doing the Tantac course, i.e. Tantra Tachyon course which is coming up later in the year, (if you haven’t already done vertical reality Tachyon.) The Tachyon methods are some of the best I have come across for dissolving issues held within love and relating.
Something to keep in your awareness as well is: The first step of the journey is self love. The second step is loving another. The third step is loving the whole. Check where you are in this journey and do the homework necessary to complete that phase you are in. I suspect you are needing to clear up issues regarding self love and that is why love and relating is difficult.
Meanwhile, enjoy this beautiful life, which has so many sweet elements. Of course, bitter elements also need to be there, as well as sour, salty, pungent, etc. If we have only sweetness all the time, then the palette would not be complete. Each challenge which comes up, when faced with awareness, makes us strong and resilient. Anger lived with awareness will eventually transform into compassion, towards yourself, towards friends and lovers and towards the collective of our planet. I believe you are facing this issue with courage and awareness, and therefore it won’t be long before you are celebrating a new way of sensing your vibrant alive nature.
Lots of Love,

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