Sexual Incompatibility: Causes & How To Fix It

Let’s face it: talking about sex can be awkward, but discussing sexual incompatibility? That’s a whole new level of uncomfortable. Yet, it’s a crucial conversation that many couples need to have. Sexual incompatibility is a complex combination of physical, emotional, and even spiritual factors that can leave partners feeling isolated in what should be their most intimate connection.

Causes of Sexual Incompatibility

1. Differences in Sexual Desire and Frequency

The classic “you want it more than I do” conundrum is a common culprit. This mismatch isn’t just frustrating; it can lead to deeper issues. The high-libido partner might feel constantly rejected, leading to low self-esteem, while the lower-libido partner might feel pressured, leading to anxiety around sex. Both might start questioning their attractiveness or the strength of their relationship.

To reconcile incompatible sex drives, open communication is crucial. These differences often mask deeper issues. Maybe the lower-libido partner is stressed about work and can’t switch off. Or perhaps the high-libido partner uses sex as a way to feel emotionally connected when other forms of intimacy are lacking. Or, for some people, sex is used as a way to release pent up emotional stagnation, leading to the other partner feeling ‘used’ which then puts them off having sex.

2. Health and Medical Issues

Our bodies aren’t machines, and sometimes they don’t cooperate with our desires. Health issues can throw a major wrench in your sex life. Hormonal imbalances can tank libido faster than you can say “Not tonight, honey.” Chronic pain conditions might make certain positions uncomfortable or even impossible. Medications, especially antidepressants, can mess with desire and arousal.

These physical issues often snowball into emotional ones. Erectile dysfunction, for instance, isn’t just about the mechanics; it can lead to performance anxiety, shame, and avoidance of intimacy altogether. Addressing mental health issues is crucial, as they can significantly impact sexual desire and performance. It’s a vicious cycle where physical limitations breed emotional distance, which in turn exacerbates the physical issues.

3. Lifestyle Factors

In our busy, modern lives, sometimes sex gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list, right after "clean the gutters" and "organize the garage." Stress is like kryptonite for your libido. When you're worried about deadlines or bills, it's hard to get in the mood. New parents often find their sex life taking a backseat to 3 AM feedings and diaper changes. Different work schedules can mean one partner is raring to go when the other is ready for sleep.

The tricky part? These factors can create a vicious cycle. Lack of intimacy leads to emotional distance, which leads to even less desire for physical connection.

4. Emotional Intimacy and Communication Breakdown

Emotional intimacy is like the soil from which great sex grows. Without it, your sex life can wither on the vine. When communication breaks down, it can manifest in the bedroom in surprising ways. One partner might withdraw emotionally, leading to less physical affection. Unresolved conflicts can create resentment, making it hard to be vulnerable during sex. Lack of emotional connection can make sex feel mechanical or unfulfilling, and feeling disconnected from a partner sexually can lead to dissatisfaction.

It’s a two-way street: poor communication can lead to sexual problems, and sexual problems can further damage communication. Breaking this cycle is key to rekindling both emotional and physical intimacy. It requires vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to truly listen to your partner’s needs and desires.

Signs of Sexual Incompatibility

One of the most common signs of sexual incompatibility is a mismatch in libidos or intimacy needs. When one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, it can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. Imagine one partner is always in the mood for a romantic evening, while the other is more interested in catching up on their favorite TV show. This disparity can create a sense of rejection and inadequacy, making it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.

Other signs of sexual incompatibility include:

• Differing sexual preferences or desires: Maybe one partner enjoys adventurous activities, while the other prefers a more traditional approach.
• Difficulty communicating about sexual needs and desires: If you find it hard to talk about what you want in bed, it’s a sign that there might be underlying issues.
• Feeling disconnected or unfulfilled in the relationship: If sex feels more like a chore than a pleasure, it’s time to address the root cause.
• Avoiding sex or intimacy due to feelings of frustration or resentment: When the thought of intimacy brings more stress than joy, it’s a clear sign that something needs to change.

Evaluating Your Sex Life

The aim is to not tally up how often you’re doing the deed, but more to take a holistic look at your sexual connection. Consider factors like frequency, quality, initiation patterns, and the emotional connection you feel during and after sex. Are you both satisfied with how often you’re intimate?

When you do have sex, is it fulfilling for both of you? Is one partner always the initiator, and how does this dynamic make each of you feel? Sexual satisfaction is crucial for a fulfilling marriage, and open communication about desires can help enhance mutual satisfaction.

Pro tip: Keep a sex journal for a couple of weeks. Note not just when you have sex, but your moods, stress levels, and any factors that might be influencing your desire. Patterns often emerge that you might not have noticed otherwise.

Booking a Couples Human Design Session can be really helpful in finding out if in fact a couple is sexually compatible or not. Also, getting a Vedic Astrology Reading brings deep insight into the subject of a couple’s compatibility.

Understanding Your Sexual Desires

Reflect on what truly turns you on and what might be turn-offs. Are there fantasies you haven’t shared with your partner? How do you prefer to be touched, and are there areas that are off-limits? What does your ideal sexual encounter look like?

Remember, there’s no “normal” when it comes to desire. Your wants and needs are valid, even if they differ from your partner’s. The key is to create an open, judgment-free space where both partners can express their desires honestly.

Emotional Intimacy as a Foundation

Your relationship is a grand, beautiful house. The bedroom might be where the magic happens, but emotional intimacy? That's the foundation keeping the whole structure standing strong. Sexual energy and emotional intimacy aren't just roommates, they're soulmates, deeply intertwined and inseparable.

When you and your partner are emotionally present with each other, it's like leaving all the doors and windows of your hearts wide open. The body, ever the faithful servant of the heart, follows suit. But those emotional blocks we all carry around? They're like invisible force fields, and they can manifest as sexual incompatibility faster than you can say "Not tonight, dear."

Think about it. Have you ever tried to be intimate when you're still stewing over an argument from earlier? It's like trying to light a fire with wet matches. That's because unresolved emotional issues don't just hang out in your head, they set up camp in your body too.

So, when you're assessing your relationship, don't just focus on what's happening (or not happening) between the sheets. Dive deeper. Are you and your partner truly emotionally present with each other? Can you be vulnerable, sharing your fears and dreams without judgment? If not, that's where the real work begins.

Building Sexual Compatibility

Let's bust a myth right off the bat: sexual compatibility isn't some magical spark that either exists or doesn't. It's not a "you either have it or you don't" situation. Instead, think of it as a garden. Sure, some couples might start with naturally fertile soil, but for most of us? It takes effort, understanding, and a whole lot of TLC to cultivate a thriving sexual connection.

Sexual compatibility isn't a destination, it's a journey. As you and your partner grow and change (and trust me, you will), your sexual connection evolves too. It's a dynamic, ongoing process that requires attention, intention, and sometimes, a sense of humor.

So, how do you nurture this garden of sexual compatibility? It starts with recognizing that every aspect of your life feeds into your sexual energy. That meditation practice you've been thinking about starting? It could lead to more mindful, present sex. The communication skills you're developing at work? They'll come in handy when discussing desires and boundaries with your partner.

As you work on building sexual compatibility, you'll likely find other areas of your relationship flourishing too. Because when you get down to it, the skills that make for great sex, communication, empathy, presence, playfulness, are the same skills that make for a great relationship overall.

How To Navigate  Differences in Sexual Preferences

Unless you’ve managed to clone yourself and are dating your exact replica (which, let’s be honest, would be pretty weird), you and your partner are going to have some differences in sexual preferences. It’s as natural as having different tastes in music or food. But these differences don’t have to be a sexual death sentence. In fact, they can be the spice that keeps your sex life interesting!

In the world of Tantra, sexual differences aren’t seen as obstacles to overcome, but as opportunities for growth and exploration. It’s like being handed a map to uncharted territory, sure, it might be a bit scary, but think of the adventures you’ll have!

Communication and compromise are key when you seek sexual fulfillment, ensuring both partners can navigate these differences and maintain a fulfilling sexual life. Try the methods below to overcome sexual incompatibility in your relationship.

1. Sexual Exploration

Sexual exploration is about transcending the mundane and deepening your connection. This doesn’t mean you need to swing from the chandelier or invest in a dungeon (unless that’s your thing, in which case, go for it!). It could be as simple as trying a new position, experimenting with sensory deprivation, or even just focusing on eye contact during intimacy.

When one partner experiences sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage, they may seek sexual fulfillment outside, making it crucial to communicate and find compromises to address sexual needs.

The beauty of exploration is that it puts both partners in a position of vulnerability and newness. It’s like you’re both tourists in a new city, discovering it together. This shared experience of novelty can help bridge the gap between different preferences and create new pathways to pleasure that you both enjoy.

2. Communication

You need to be open to honest, vulnerable communication about desires, boundaries, and needs. This kind of communication requires both courage to speak your truth and compassion to hear your partner's.

This means being brave enough to say, "I'd really like to try X" or "I'm not comfortable with Y." But it also means being open to hearing your partner's desires and boundaries without judgment. Remember, just because something doesn't turn you on doesn't mean it's wrong, it just means it's not your flavor.

The key here is to approach these conversations with curiosity and compassion. Instead of seeing your differences as problems to solve, try viewing them as fascinating aspects of your partner to understand. This leads us to our next point: understanding each other's differences.

Approach sexual differences with curiosity and compassion. Where do these preferences come from? Are they rooted in past experiences? Cultural influences? Physical sensitivities? Understanding the 'why' behind your partner's desires (or lack thereof) can help foster acceptance and even appreciation for these differences.

This understanding can lead to creative compromises and new discoveries. Maybe you're not into your partner's kink, but you can appreciate the vulnerability it took for them to share it. Perhaps you can find elements of it that you are comfortable exploring, or ways to incorporate the essence of what they enjoy into your shared experiences.

Addressing Health and Medical Issues

Let's talk about the elephant in the bedroom: health issues. From hormonal hurricanes to physical limitations, health challenges can feel like they're conspiring to sabotage your sex life. But before you throw in the towel (or the sexy lingerie), remember that with the right approach, even these hurdles can be overcome.

Seeking Professional Help

When health issues crash your bedroom party, it’s time to take action. Seeking help from a trained clinician specializing in sex therapy can provide couples with guidance on communication and exploring their sexuality, especially when experiencing frustrations or difficulties in their sexual lives. Let’s break it down:

1.Erectile Dysfunction (ED):

• See a urologist. You can also try Merlin’s Herbal Magic Roots Elixir, or a herbal cure from Crete which is called Horny Goats Weed.
• Go for Chinese Medicine or Ayurveda, both of which have been working on this issue naturally, for thousands of years.
• Try Tantra exercises. Practice “edging”, bringing yourself close to orgasm, then stopping. This builds control and confidence.

2.Low Libido:

• Visit an endocrinologist to check hormone levels. Low testosterone or thyroid issues can zap your sex drive.
• Try the “Eye Gazing” tantra exercise. Sit facing your partner, stare into each other’s eyes for 5 minutes. It’s intimate without pressure.

3.Hormonal Imbalances:

• Consult a gynecologist or endocrinologist. They might suggest hormone replacement therapy. Also try Acupuncture, Chinese medicine, or Ayurveda.
• Practice “Belly Breathing”, deep breaths into your lower abdomen for 10 minutes daily. It can help balance your body’s systems.

4.Premature Ejaculation:

• This often stems from tension held in the solar plexus. By reducing stress, this tension melts.
• It is also helpful to complete the Master Lover online course by Ma Ananda Sarita.

Combine traditional and Tantric approaches:

• If you’re taking ED medication, pair it with Tantra’s “Lingam Massage” technique for enhanced intimacy.
• Struggling with hormonal mood swings? Try our FREE “7 Chakra Tantra Massage“ course alongside your prescribed treatment.

Couples Therapy for Emotional Healing

When it comes to your emotional world, on the surface, everything might look calm, but underneath, there could be currents of unresolved pain or trauma causing turbulence in your sexual connection. Couples therapy provides a safe harbor where you and your partner can dive into these emotional depths together, with a skilled guide to help you navigate.

In this safe space, you can process emotions that might be blocking the flow of your sexual energy. Maybe it's past trauma, unresolved conflicts, or even just the buildup of daily stressors. Whatever it is, bringing it to the surface in therapy can lead to profound healing and, often, a breakthrough in sexual compatibility.

Self-Care and Wellness

The body is a temple for the soul's expression. And let's be real, if you're neglecting your temple, the soul's not going to be throwing many parties in there, if you catch my drift.

Self-care isn't just about bubble baths and face masks (though those can be great). It's about treating your body, mind, and spirit with the respect and care they deserve. This means prioritizing practices like yoga, meditation, healthy nutrition, and adequate sleep. Your sexual energy is like a rechargeable battery. Self-care practices are your charging cable. The more you plug in, the more energy you have to devote to your sexual connection.

Managing Stress and Lifestyle Factors

Let’s tackle the ultimate mood-killer: stress. Life’s demands can place a strain on relationships quicker than you can say “I’m too tired tonight.” But here’s the good news: with awareness and intention, stress and other lifestyle challenges can be managed in a way that supports, rather than detracts from, your sexual connection. Stress and lifestyle factors can also lead to sexual frustration, which can cause feelings of rejection, insecurity, and tension in a relationship.

Identifying Lifestyle Factors

You need to play detective and identify what lifestyle factors are contributing to your sexual incompatibility. Are you both so overwhelmed with work that you barely have time to eat dinner together, let alone get frisky? Has your living room become an office, gym, and daycare center all rolled into one, leaving no space for intimacy?

Couples must consciously cultivate space for intimacy. Without this space, your sexual connection can easily wither under the weight of daily stressors.

Take a moment to sit down with your partner and really examine your lifestyle. Look at how you spend your time, your energy, your resources. Are you prioritizing your relationship and your sexual connection? Or have they been pushed to the backburner while you deal with "more important" things?

Stress Management

Stress is like kryptonite for your sex drive. It tenses your muscles, clouds your mind, and generally makes it hard to get in the mood for anything other than a Netflix binge.

But fear not! Tantra offers some powerful tools for managing stress. Breathwork, for instance, is like a secret weapon against stress. By focusing on your breath, you can literally change your body's physiology, shifting from the stress-induced "fight or flight" mode to a more relaxed state.

Meditation is another fantastic tool. When you can stay present and calm in your daily life, guess what? That presence and calmness follow you into the bedroom.

Sacred rituals, another key aspect of Tantra, can also be incredibly powerful for managing stress. These don't have to be elaborate ceremonies (unless you want them to be). They can be as simple as lighting a candle together each evening, or sharing a moment of gratitude before meals. The key is that these rituals create a break in the stress cycle, a moment of connection and presence in your day.

Prioritizing Time for Intimacy

In our busy lives, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that intimacy will just happen naturally when you have time. But here's the thing: in today's world, you rarely "find" time, you have to make it.

Set aside time for nurturing your connection. This could be through shared meals where you really talk to each other (no phones allowed!). It could be nature walks where you can reconnect with each other and the world around you. It could even be sitting in silence together, just being present with one another.

These moments of quiet connection might not seem sexy on the surface, but they're like kindling for your sexual fire. They create the emotional safety and connection that allows vulnerability, which in turn allows for true sexual expression.

Remember, everything is foreplay. That deep conversation you had over dinner? Foreplay. That moment of eye contact across a crowded room? Foreplay. That shared laugh over an inside joke? You guessed it, foreplay.

By prioritizing these moments of connection throughout your day, you're constantly stoking the fires of your intimate connection. So when you do find yourselves in a sexual situation, you're not starting from cold, you're already warmed up and ready to ignite.

Tantra Practices That Foster Sexual Compatibility

Tantra offers a pathway to rekindle intimacy and create more sexual compatibility. Here are some Tantra-inspired methods from Ma Ananda Sarita's teachings that can help foster sexual compatibility between partners.

1. Eye Gazing for Emotional and Energetic Connection

This exercise allows couples to connect deeply, transcending verbal communication and bringing awareness to each other's emotional and energetic presence.

How it works:

• Set a sacred space, perhaps with candles, soft music, and a warm, peaceful environment.
• Exchange a devotional and loving full body massage,
• Optional extra: While giving the massage; One partner gently massages the other's genital area, focusing not on orgasm but on connection and energy flow. Use slow, mindful strokes, staying attuned to the partner's response.
• Communicate throughout the experience, ensuring that both partners feel safe and open to receiving and giving pleasure.

2. Sacred Touch and Lingam/Yoni Massage

Treat the body as a temple, where touch is sacred. This technique helps both partners feel honored and respected in their sexuality.

How it works:

• Set a sacred space, perhaps with candles, soft music, and a warm, peaceful environment.
• One partner gently massages the other's genital area, focusing not on orgasm but on connection and energy flow. Use slow, mindful strokes, staying attuned to the partner's response.
• Communicate throughout the experience, ensuring that both partners feel safe and open to receiving and giving pleasure.

3. Chakra Breathing for Energy Alignment

In Tantra, sexual energy is considered a potent life force, and chakra breathing helps circulate this energy through the body. When sexual energy flows freely, it clears blockages that may be causing tension or dissatisfaction in the relationship.

How it works:

• Sit back-to-back with your partner, or facing each other, and begin by breathing slowly and deeply.
• Visualize energy moving from your root chakra (located at the base of the spine) to your crown chakra (top of the head), with each inhale drawing energy upwards, and each exhale releasing it.
• Synchronize your breath with your partner, allowing your energies to merge as you breathe together.

4. Heart Connection Meditation

In the teachings of Tantra, the heart is the center of love, compassion, and deep connection. Sexual compatibility can be enhanced by building a strong heart connection through meditation, allowing partners to open themselves fully to giving and receiving love.

How it works:

• Sit facing your partner and place your hand over their heart, with your partner doing the same to you.
• Close your eyes and take slow, deep breaths, visualizing your breath traveling from your heart to theirs.
• Imagine a bright, warm light connecting your hearts as you breathe together.
• After a few minutes, gently open your eyes and smile at each other, feeling the bond that has been created.

5. Tantric Slow Sex

Unlike traditional sexual encounters, which often focus on climax, Tantric slow sex is about savoring each moment, deepening the connection, and expanding pleasure. The focus is on the journey rather than the destination.

How it works:

• Begin with a long period of erotic play, incorporating soft touches, kisses, and intimate gestures.
• During intercourse, move slowly, staying present with each other’s body and sensations. Synchronize your breathing to stay connected.
• Pause regularly to check in with your partner, maintaining eye contact and gentle touch.

6. Orgasmic Meditation

Orgasmic meditation is a Tantra-inspired practice that teaches couples to explore pleasure in a mindful, meditative way. It’s not about achieving orgasm but about experiencing pleasure fully and deeply without any goal.

How it works:

• The receiver lies down in a comfortable position while the giver gently strokes the clitoris (for women) or penis (for men) in a rhythmic, gentle manner. Make sure to use lots of organic lubricant. Our suggestion: Tachyonized Coconut Oil.
• The key is to focus solely on the sensations and the connection between partners, without the goal of orgasm.

7. The Tantra "5 Senses Ritual"

Activating all five senses heightens awareness and presence, allowing partners to experience each other in a more holistic and profound way. This practice not only enhances sexual pleasure but also helps couples become more attuned to each other’s physical and emotional needs.

How it works:

• Prepare a sensory experience for your partner by blindfolding them and offering different sensations: soft fabrics for touch, essential oils for smell, gentle music for sound, and small bites of food for taste.
• Guide your partner through each sense, encouraging them to fully immerse in the moment.
• Pro Tip: Only offer one sensorial experience at a time, ie, 5 minutes with scent, followed by 5 minutes with taste, 5 minutes with sound and then 5 minutes with touch. To round it all up, prop your partner up on pillows, remove their blindfold and offer him or her an erotic dance.

8. Regular Tantra Practices

Tantra is not just a bedroom practice, it’s a way of life. Sacred sexuality is about creating a space where both partners feel honored, seen, and cherished. By incorporating these simpe practices, couples can build a lasting foundation of sexual compatibility that grows stronger over time.

Daily Practices to Try:

• Morning meditation together to set a shared intention for the day.
• Evening check-ins where you share one thing you appreciated about your partner that day.
• Regular sensual massages or simple touch, without the expectation of sex, to keep the physical connection alive.
• Give your partner the thrill of a surprise, such a sexy text message, a romantic poem, a spa session for two, or tickets to attend a performance by their favorite band.

When to Reconsider the Relationship

Your relationship is a delicate ecosystem. Sexual incompatibility isn't just a minor disruption; it can be like introducing an invasive species that throws everything off balance. Are you constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to broach the subject of intimacy? Do you find yourself scrolling through your phone instead of cuddling at night? These could be red flags waving frantically in your face.

Sex is the glue that binds your emotional, spiritual, and mental connections. If your bedroom woes are seeping into your daily life, causing resentment or emotional distance, it's time to sit up and take notice.

Resolving Through Communication and Compromise

Before you throw in the towel, consider this: Many couples have turned their sexual deserts into lush oases through open, honest communication. Imagine the relief of finally expressing your deepest desires, fears, and fantasies to your partner. It might feel like ripping off a band-aid at first, but the healing that follows can be transformative.

But what if you've talked until you're blue in the face, and nothing's changed? If your attempts at compromise feel like trying to force a square peg into a round hole, it might be time to face the music. Remember, a relationship should lift you up, not drag you down.

Weighing the Pros and Cons

Take a step back and look at the big picture. Is your relationship a warm, cozy blanket of comfort and joy, with just a few itchy patches? Or does it feel like a scratchy, ill-fitting sweater you can't wait to take off?

If your partner makes your heart sing in every other way, finishing your sentences, supporting your dreams, and making you laugh until your sides hurt, then perhaps the bedroom blues are just a minor subplot in your love story. But if sexual incompatibility is the rotten cherry on top of a sundae of dissatisfaction, it might be time to put down the spoon.

Considering the Consequences

Staying in a sexually unfulfilling relationship isn't just about missing out on pleasure. It's like trying to breathe underwater, eventually, you'll need to come up for air. Suppressing your needs can lead to a build-up of frustration that might explode in unexpected ways.

On the flip side, if you believe your connection is worth fighting for, be prepared to roll up your sleeves and dive deep. It's not just about trying new positions or toys; it's about peeling back the layers of your psyche and getting vulnerable. Are you ready for that journey?

Conclusion: Navigating Sexual Incompatibility with Care and Compassion

Sexual incompatibility doesn't have to be the end of your relationship, but it shouldn't be swept under the rug either. The path to sexual compatibility is as much about self-discovery as it is about pleasing your partner. It's about understanding your own needs, communicating them clearly, and being open to your partner's desires. It's not always easy, but the rewards can be mind-blowing.

So, whether you decide to work through your differences or part ways, approach the situation with compassion, for yourself and your partner. After all, love, in all its forms, deserves to be handled with respect and care.

Author

Danelle Ferreira

Danelle Ferreira, also known as Ellastrology, is the creative force behind the Tantra Essence blog, where she passionately explores and shares the transformative power of Tantra. As the editor and manager, Danelle curates content that delves deep into spiritual growth, self-discovery, and the intimate connections that Tantra fosters.